The Golden Honeymoon by Ring Lardner

First published: 1922

Type of plot: Satire

Time of work: 1920

Locale: St. Petersburg, Florida

Principal Characters:

• Charley, the narrator and protagonist, the insensitive, garrulous, and naïve husband of Lucy
• Lucy, his tolerant wife of fifty years
• Frank Hartsell, an old suitor of Lucy, now a veterinarian and married to a female version of Charley
• Mrs. Hartsell, a talkative and boring woman

The Story

At first glance, the title simply reveals the occasion for the story's events, the celebration of a marriage that has endured for fifty years. It is only after reading the story that the readers understand the irony in the celebration of a union more brass than gold. Charley, the ingenuous first-person narrator, recounts his adventures in St. Petersburg, but in doing so reveals himself as shallow, insensitive, and boring. As the plot unravels, so does Charley, yet he remains blissfully unaware of and not bored by a life composed of unrelenting trivia.

The structure of the story is the recollection in detail of a trip to St. Petersburg, Florida. The story begins with the most important word and person in Charley's life, "Mother," as he calls his wife, Lucy. His refrain, "You can't get ahead of Mother," is evidence of his pride in all things connected with himself, whether it be the state of New Jersey or his prosperous son-in-law, John H. Kramer, a real-estate man and member of the Rotary Club, an important status symbol in Charley's eyes. After a tedious and typical explanation of how and why he and Lucy went to Florida for their "golden honeymoon," including prices, detailing to the penny the differences between a sleeper and a compartment on a train and a complete timetable for all stops made between Trenton and St. Petersburg, Charley is ready to begin his real story.

The real story, however, is actually the revelation of Charley's character and his marriage to Lucy, both of which are tested by the vicissitudes of travel and encounters with new and old acquaintances. On the train, Charley unconsciously reveals that appearance and status are extremely important values for him. He notes and admires anyone he meets who is a Rotarian, rides backward on the train, facing his wife, and insists on sleeping in the top berth to protect his image, even though neither he nor his wife sleeps well when he is in that precarious position. During the trip, Charley is nearly left behind in Washington, D.C., an occurrence that entails the admission that it is Mother who manages and carries the money.

It is, however, in describing St. Petersburg and the people that they encounter there that Charley reaches the peak of his powers. Ungrammatical, inelegant, clichéd details concerning the "Tin-Can Tourists," their new president, the "Royal Tin-Can Opener," and their official song, which Charley does not remember exactly, are followed by a complete account of their first night at the meeting of the New York-New Jersey society. No tidbit is too trivial for Charley to recite. After Mother's birthday celebration, marred because the Poinsettia Hotel charged seventy-five cents for a small, tough sirloin steak, Charley and Lucy plunge into social activities at the park: band concerts, checkers, chess, horseshoes, dominoes, and roque. Charley quickly establishes himself as a champion checker player, while Lucy enjoys the concerts.

While listening to a concert, Lucy makes the acquaintance of a Mrs. Hartsell, the woman who married Lucy's cast-off fiancé, Frank. Lucy tells Mrs. Hartsell only that she and Frank had been good friends before he moved to Michigan and became a veterinarian. To Charley's chagrin, the Hartsells join them at every opportunity; they dine together, attend the Michigan Society meeting, which Charley finds far inferior to the New York-New Jersey meeting, and play cards. Although Lucy and Frank enjoy renewing their old friendship, Charley cannot abide Mrs. Hartsell. Because she is presented through Charley's eyes with many of the same characteristics noted in Charley, the feeling is mutual. Threatened, Charley disparages Frank's beard, his former occupation, and his checker-playing ability. Although he easily defeats Frank at checkers, the card games are another matter. Frank and Lucy continually trounce Charley and Mrs. Hartsell, a phenomenon that Charley attributes solely to the constant talking, inattention, and poor skills of Mrs. Hartsell.

To his delight, Mrs. Hartsell receives her comeuppance while playing roque with Lucy. After Lucy withdraws, claiming an inability to play longer because of a lame back, Mrs. Hartsell makes a wild long shot and drops her teeth on the court. Charley laughs long and heartily at both women. The unspoken competition between the two couples intensifies when Frank challenges Charley to a game of horseshoes, a game that Charlie claims not to have played in twenty years. From the beginning, it is obvious that Frank Hartsell is the better player, but he cannot beat Charley when it comes to making excuses. Charley complains of a lack of practice, old horseshoes with points that immediately make his thumb raw and sore, and finally Frank's awkward style and unbeatable luck. Facing certain defeat, Charley quits, but his anger continues.

That night while playing cards and, as usual, being defeated, he blurts out the truth about Lucy's former relationship with Frank. This results not only in an uncomfortable split with the Hartsells but also in a quarrel between Lucy and Charley. In a fit of pique, Lucy says that she wishes she had married Frank Hartsell instead of Charley, and Charley retaliates by agreeing with her. The result of this spat is two days of silence from Lucy. Finally she relents, for the sake of their "golden honeymoon," and they kiss and make up. The Hartsells depart in a huff for Orlando, leaving Mother and Charley to enjoy the remaining days of their vacation.

The remainder of the story recounts their departure from St. Petersburg and their return home; Charley concludes with the observation, "Here comes Mother, so I guess I better shut up."

Bibliography

Cervo, Nathan. "Lardner's 'Haircut.'" Explicator 47, no. 2 (Winter, 1989): 47-48.

Cowlinshaw, Brian T. "The Reader's Role in Ring Lardner's Rhetoric." Studies in Short Fiction 31, no. 2 (Spring, 1994): 207-216.

Evans, Elizabeth. Ring Lardner. New York: Ungar, 1979.

Jones, David A., and Leverett T. Smith, Jr. "Jack Keefe and Roy Hobbs: Two All-American Boys." Aethlon 6, no. 2 (Spring, 1989): 119-137.

Lardner, Ring, Jr. The Lardners: My Family Remembered. New York: Harper & Row, 1976.

Robinson, Douglas. Ring Lardner and the Other. New York: Oxford University Press, 1992.

Yardley, Jonathon. Ring: A Biography of Ring Lardner. New York: Random House, 1977.