LGBTQ parenting

When members of the lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer or questioning (LGBTQ) community in the United States enter into committed relationships and form their own families, often children are included in that dynamic. Some LGBTQ adult household members have custody of biological children from previous relationships, while others may take in foster children, adopt children, or employ sperm donors or surrogate mothers to bear a biological child. How LGBTQ people may or may not have and raise children is frequently dictated by state law. In 2013, when the US Supreme Court found several provisions in the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) unconstitutional, LGBTQ couples living in states that had legalized same-sex marriage could begin to receive the same federal benefits as heterosexual couples received, such as rights pertaining to health care and legal matters. In the 2015 case Obergefell v. Hodges, the Court overruled DOMA, citing the Fourteenth Amendment's equal protection clause. Following the passage of Obergefell, any state law prohibiting same-sex marriage was summarily invalidated, which subsequently impacted adoption rights of same-sex couples as well. Despite these significant changes in federal and state law, many states continued to provide no anti-discrimination protections for LGBTQ people, and many Americans have expressed varying opinions on the legitimacy of LGBTQ couples and their influence on children. This in turn affects whether or not these couples are entitled to custody of biological children or adoption.

Brief History

Before the late twentieth century, it was common for LGBTQ people in the United States to keep their sexual orientation a secret from those who might object to it; many tried to “pass” as heterosexual by outwardly conforming to traditional gender norms and sex roles. To meet religious obligations and family expectations, LGBTQ people would often enter traditional, monogamous, heterosexual marriages. In many cases, LGBTQ people in those marriages would bear and raise children. Because married LGBTQ people identified themselves as cisgendered heterosexuals (i.e., their gender identity matched the gender they were born as), almost no information exists about American LGBTQ parents prior to the 1960s.

As the LGBTQ community grew as people began to “come out,” or openly identify themselves as gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender, those engaged in traditional heterosexual marriages often separated from their spouses. Lesbian mothers, in particular, often had to fight for custody of their biological children in court. The judges, often biased against LGBTQ individuals, would declare that it was “in the best interests of the child” to remain with the heterosexual parent, and sometimes would declare the LGBTQ parent “unfit” without reviewing evidence that would prove otherwise. If an LGBTQ person did manage to gain custody of his or her biological child, their same-sex partner would not always be entitled to automatic second-parent adoption. States that did not recognize the legitimacy of same-sex relationships or that banned legalized same-sex relationships altogether, often defined marriage, and therefore parenthood, as between a man and a woman.

As lesbian, feminist, and gay liberation movements progressed, gay and lesbian parent groups formed from across the country to lobby, fundraise, and provide support for LGBTQ parents. In 1973, the American Psychological Association (APA) removed homosexuality from its list of mental disorders in the Diagnostic and Statistic Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM). Members of the APA then began to testify on the behalf of gay and lesbian parents, using evidence that showed that the sexual orientation of parents would not harm their children. In 1976, the APA declared that “the sex, gender identity, or sexual orientation of natural or prospective adoptive or foster parents should not be the sole or primary variable considered in custody placement cases.” In spite of this, religious conservatives saw LGBTQ adoption as “recruitment” and sought to restrict or ban it wherever they could. Leslea Newman’s classic children’s book Heather Has Two Mommies (1989), Michael Willhoite’s Daddy’s Roommate (1994), and other resources countered this discriminatory rhetoric with positive examples of LGBTQ parenting.

Ironically, states that did not allow LGBTQ couples to adopt children would often allow them to foster children. Child welfare agencies would frequently place children with disabilities or with other challenges that made them “difficult placements” with LGBTQ individuals or couples. While these children often thrived in LGBTQ households, child welfare agencies in states with gay adoption bans would often try to return those children to their heterosexual families or make them “available” for other heterosexual families to adopt.

During the 1990s, Florida allowed LGBTQ couples to foster children who had HIV or AIDS. Steven Lofton and Roger Croteau, both pediatric nurses specializing in AIDS, took in four Black, HIV-positive infants abandoned by their biological families. Lofton and Croteau cared for these children so well that Florida’s Children’s Home Society gave the two men their first Outstanding Foster Parenting Award. When one of the children stopped testing positive for HIV at age ten, the state of Florida deemed him adoptable by others due to a 1977 law that banned all gay adoptions. Another of the couple's foster boys was told by Florida Child Welfare Services to leave Lofton and Croteau’s home if he wanted financial support for college. Due to this case, Florida abolished its gay adoption ban in 2010. In 2016, Mississippi became the last state to remove such a ban, thus allowing same-sex couples in all fifty states to legally adopt and foster children.

LGBTQ Parenting Today

According to 2022 US Census/American Community Survey (ACS) data, there were a total of 1.3 million same-sex couple households in the United States, comprising both married and unmarried individuals. Of those, the Census reported that about 17 percent of married same-sex households and 10 percent of unmarried same-sex households had at least one child in 2023. The University of California, Los Angeles (UCLA) School of Law's Williams Institute gave further insight into these numbers, reporting in 2024 that 21 percent of same-sex couples who are parenting have adopted children. This figure is significantly higher than the rate of adoption for different-sex couples, which stood at just 3 percent in 2024. Likewise, 4 percent of same sex-couples who are parenting foster children, compared to 0.4 percent of different-sex couples.

Despite the high rates of adoption and fostering among LGBTQ parents, some states continued to prohibit same-sex couples from adopting and fostering children in the 2020s. Some of these restrictions centered around second-parent adoptions. In second-parent adoptions, a non-biological parent is allowed to adopt their partner's biological or adopted child without the first parent losing any parental rights. Such an adoption ensures that both parents have legal rights and responsibilities toward the child. Second-parent adoptions are crucial for LGBTQ families because they provide legal security and ensure that the non-biological parent can be recognized as a parent in all legal contexts, including having the ability to make medical decisions and have custody rights. Despite progress in the twenty-first century, some LGBTQ families continued to face legal hurdles and biases in certain states where laws explicitly prohibit second-parent adoptions by unmarried couples. Furthermore, in several states, state-licensed child welfare agencies are allowed to refuse to place foster children with LGBTQ individuals when it conflicts with religious beliefs.

Social workers who receive training about LGBTQ families and children raised by LGBTQ families are more likely to provide an objective assessment of an LGBTQ household based on the same standards that heterosexual couples must meet. While it is becoming easier for LGBTQ Americans to foster or adopt children within the United States, countries that have previously welcomed American adoptions—such as Russia—prohibit international adoptions by LGBTQ people.

Multiple research studies have shown that the sexual orientation of parents has no effect on the sexual or gender identity development of their children. At the same time, the discrimination that LGBTQ people face in family law, education, employment, health care, and children’s service—whether real or perceived—sometimes pressures LGBTQ couples to “overachieve” as model parents, which can also place stress on their children. LGBTQ households with children are twice as likely as heterosexual households to live near the poverty line, which also places tension on families. They are also more likely to be transracial families.

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